Let me paint a picture.
Im sitting in my room listening to Kid Rocks All summer long and I cant help but think of home. i miss my friends i miss hanging out with my friends forweeling up north with nick swimming at his house riding my dirt bike playing in the river taking everyone skating. I miss going fishing in the pond down the rode. I miss sitting and just staring at the fire after everyone has gone home and just watching the embers flicker i miss the touch of soft skin on mine i miss the kiss of someone who cares i miss having something to hold on to i miss so much it hurts even if only for a moment before i distract myself with work or eve i miss having a home. i haven’t had a place to call “home” for more then two years. iv been to hell and back iv seen humanity at its worst and iv seen brotherhood at its finest i would have given my life on the spot for that marine to open his eyes again and those men to stop crying. i want to see her face again the ones i miss so dear. theres so very few that have gotten close to my heart but the ones that have i hold there even if they drift apart from echother i dont love them for who there with i love them as individuals and my group was just that and i might be giving myself to much credit but i feel i held them together and perhaps i can put them together again. not my family but my friends the ones i call my real family there the ones who know me the real me they know my pain my sorrow my joy they know that i would do anything for them all they have to do is ask and it will be done i know i may never fall in love again but perhaps someone will find there way to my heart of hearts perhaps someone will touch what has been frozen in ice perhaps they will find what was lost im aware none of this makes much since but i felt i had to say something to get something out there to express some inkling of emotion that has remained suppressed for so long i cant make since of it all i feel so much it hurts there are things i want to forget but cant i want to forget them all the faces that are burned into my memory the men the women the children the people that were hurt i want to drown it all out and just forget i dont want this anymore i cant handle all this pain much longer i need to stop this i need to know why i am so hesitant about my emotions why do they hurt so much why does my heart always ache so i want to go back. back to the people who want me because they want me they really do and i miss them so much i want to go home now. i think now is the time to go so perhaps soon. perhaps sooner then later i wont wait much longer i am going to come home and i will see her again the one whose in my dreams perhaps she isn’t real but her face its so beautiful to me i want to see her again what she represents to me i want to see her again my friend for that is what she is and perhaps all she will be iv been so ……..alone and i know that i may not always be so. so i move on i step off the curb and i express myself my true self? is this me perhaps it is i dont know i think perhaps i need to seek help and let them read this? perhaps not you know me. i dont ask for help. i help others when they need it because its what i do its all i know. and i know im going to be ok and that’s what matters. i want to say to anyone whose made it this far into here that i appreciate it and i want you to know im not a depressive person all the time i am a really happy person when you get to know me even the real be i just have trouble expressing myself either out of fear or coherency (case in point what you just read) these things are always going threw my mind and i just dumped them all here on this page. i cant control any of them. my thoughts my dreams my feelings for people. i just role with it and let life take me where it will while hopeing for the best

iv changed a lot in the last year or so. i feel the changes are for the better im stronger as a person my tempered nerves have expanded form there base and even softened in some arias i no longer where the mask you once knew and i have truly become myself for once i am still me the me you knew but i am more i am wholer ( i know its not a word) then before and i am still growing to become ….. something i dont know what but we will have to find out together now wont we. and i know almost none of this makes sense but thanks anyways someone had to know so why not you who ever you are

you know its funny while i was in Afghanistan i started having dreams about a girl. she was beautiful small and thin with amazing eyes. she was amazing and everything i wanted. we were going to the Marine corps ball. it was nice i could actually dance in the dream. normally i cant even dance there. there was one song that played it was bob acrid’s sleeping away. it was a beautiful moment it seemed as though we were the only two people in the world.

thats pretty much the main part of the dream there were some other things as well but they were mostly just feelings. like when your lying in bed and you have her under your arm shes resting her head on your chest with one leg thrown over your waist. or the way she looks when she first wakes up looks over at you and smiles. just simple things like that that you seem to enjoy far more then anything else. at least these are the moments i remember and long for the most. there was no sex in this dream. just passion on the dance floor and lying there. in a single kiss that says a thousand word that couldnt be conveyed in any other way.

ill admit i thought i loved this girl for so long but now iv come to relise it wasnt simply this girl that i wanted. it what she represented in my mind. i wanted a girl. i wanted a girl that i could shower all the love, affection and passion and someone who could take it, understand it, and return it.

im not in love with this girl but the idea of what she represented because in my mind she represented all women everywhere. she represented every possibility every chance encounter every love, and lover i will ever have from here on out. im glad i saw her for what she was because i nearly lost a friend in the chaos of my harte and mind

52hearts:

Waiting for the return: When all you’re doing is waiting for the day they realize how perfect you two would be together, consequently leading them to finally return the feelings you’ve had for them all along.

Waiting for them to move on: When you know deep down inside that nothing is ever going to happen between you and the one you love, yet you continue to falsely hope for otherwise — but what you’re really just waiting for is for them to find someone other than you so that you, too, can finally move on and let go.

This is sad but true though i wish it werent.

Im really hating life right now. It always seems like Im the one left alone even in a crowd of people. Every one has someone by there side. everyone has somebody who wants them and wants to take care of them and just wants them to be happy or so it seams. Im the outcast. The one pushed to the side and hides in the shadows for fear of getting stomped on. Im always alone and I hate it i think thats why i joined that stupid website because i thought maybe just maybe but its going to be just the same i keep telling myself that someone will look at it. that maybe someone will talk to me and maybe i wouldnt be alone any more but i dont think they will write back why would they. the world is all the same no matter where you go. Every one is to worried about there social status and all the bull shit that doesnt matter to take notice of me. im afraid that im going to grow old and nobody will know i ever existed. i dont want to be just another grain of sand among billions. i want to be something to someone. anything. i want to be something good. i am just so alone. i want someone there by me.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking again and Ive come to the conclusion that i am a snake. Yes just an ordinary uninteresting common snake. And some of you will look at this and scoff and be like ya you got that right but its not in the ways you think. Ya i have manipulated people. but to be honest I did my best never to use that for personal gain. I really tried to help people with what little influence I had in the world. I held a group of friends together. I gave a girl a scenes of self confidence and the tools she needed to become a strong self reliant individual. I also did some wrong with it without seeing it and most of it is still a blank to me because I did it without realising it. Im not going to go into details about it because im still not sure about it and ive decided to just let it go into the past and be done with it. So like a snake im shedding my skin. I have been repressing my true self for the simple task, idea, purpose of protecting it from the endless onslaught of my childhood. Things where messed up then and i wrapped myself in so many layers it was hard to tell what was real and what wasn’t but over the past year those layers have been slowly pealing away. And I owe a big thank you to the one who started the process. The first person I was really close to. I know it wasn’t ez but you have done more good for me then I can ever repay. I have apologized for the last time for all the trouble I caused you and i have shed my skin and moved on because we have nothing left to gain from each other. but you will allways have your place.

And as for the other one the one I thought I wanted for so long Im sorry if I made things difficult between you and him but I only wanted you to open your eyes and to be quite honest i never intentionally tried to do anything. I simply wanted to spend time with a friend and i did as i said i would and i kept my mouth shut so why do you hate me for that? is it wrong to want better for your friends? I suppose it is if thats not what they really want. like i said a long time ago i dont trust anyone else with you but I suppose your not for me. But Ive moved on. It went away with the last layer now Im indifferent if things change one way or the other only the tides of time will tell and Ill more then likely be the one to drift away in the shifting waters. And ya you said get inside your head so i did i read a lot of it and i got the same thing out of every page i understood it all because i know it all to well myself. I understand pain and sorrow because i have lived it my entire life just like you. but theres another small part something simple yet so beautiful. i see it in the way you smile. so why cant you see it too? If there’sone thing ill miss its that smile. not the fake one but the real one. the one unburdened by the world

and as far as promises go I hate making them because there all maid to be broken. There ether broken without caring or not remember and broken on accident. I dont know what promise I made you. I honestly dont have a clue what your talking about so please ether tell me or drop it and stop holding it against me!

And the last of the 4th your as level headed as ever. I have no complaints and nothing to apologize for. Your truly a good friend and someone I can always count on for good advice and I thank you for this.

You know i had a lot of crap written down raging against the world but no i dont think thats right for the beginning of this conglomeration of messed up stuff that will consist of my life .So ill start this off the right way.

My name is Nicholas E. Fisher. My name means victory of the people. Im 19 years old and ill admit this is the time to be partying in collage and having fun but I chose to join the military and am in fact gearing up to go to Afghanistan on a date that I will not be disclosing do to operation security reasons ( if you know the date please dont be a jackass and post it or im going to be really pissed off). my interests are in music gameing obviously girls and basically anything that will get me out of the barracks because its pretty boring here if you dont have a car and i dont so ya its pretty boring.

As far as music goes i listen to almost everything except rap and hip-hop im even starting to get into country but i detest the other two.

Im normally a pretty open person all you have to do is ask and 9 times out of 10 ill give you an honest answer but i dont kiss and tell so dont bother trying to pry that one out of me.

As far a the Navy goes its pretty cool. you get to see and do a lot of really cool things like today i was out in the field and i got to go up in a CH46 supper stallion witch is a really big helicopter and it was fun even if we just went joyriding. there surprisingly smooth in the air but man they leak oil and hydraulic fluid like mad the entire inside was covered in the stuff. but they say that there’s only ever something wrong when things stop leaking so i guess its ok lol i dont know why it is but i guess as long as it stays in the sky everything good with me.

Any who thats just a little bit about me although most if not everyone who will be reading this knows me already pretty in depth. im going to be setting some goals though. There just personal goals nothing major but my number one goal is going to be  something simple but isnt that ez for me and its simply this
#1 to be happy and not just fake happy like actually happy as in i like myself i like who i am i like what i have become and ill be honest right now i really dont and i suppose i can explain later.

but my number two goal is going to be yet another ez yet simple one but im lazy and dont like to work at this because i hated school as a kid so
#2 to learn all the basics again including #1 spelling (i hate you all) math science history and another language whether it be Spanish German or pashtun (idk if thats right or not spellcheck is acting funny) im sick of being considered a dumb ass because of how little i know about so much. because im not dumb i know a little about allot but a dont know any more then the basics of anything.

#3 i dont want to be so socially aquard and im going to be frank i dont know how to fix this one so if you have any ideas please let me know because i want to fix this asap if i can its kinda starting to bug me and its giving a lot of people the wrong idea about me and who i am because you dont know even those of you who think you do you dont my own mother doesn’t know me and i dont know myself. and ill admit im scared in fact im almost terrified that ill die one day and not one person will be even close to knowing me the real me the one me that has been hiding behind this drone of a shell and is just waiting to come out but just wont come.

i have a few kinks im still working on from a long time ago but its really nothing to worry about

so heres all im going to write for the day and ill do my best to keep things positive as much as i can but im sure im going to use this as a vent from time to time so if i am emotionally distraught or enraged dont freak out it will pass

any who thats all for today almost time for some bleach then off to bed ( bleach is an anime that i watch relgiously not actual bleach)